Fear the Road

Emily Yoffe

Photograph by Teresa Castracane.

Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is on Washingtonpost.com weekly to chat live with readers. An edited?transcript of the chat is below. (Sign up here?to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie?s?Slate columns?here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)

Emily Yoffe: Good afternoon. I'm looking forward to your questions.

Q. Roadway Basket Case: I'm 25 years old and I've never driven a vehicle. When I was 16 all my parents could talk about was how they looked forward to me being able to drive my much younger siblings (ages 4 and 6 then) around to day care and karate. The idea being responsible for such precious cargo freaked me out and caused a lot of anxiety so I would never take the permit test. They made a small fuss about it then but then just dropped the subject. Fast forward to today and my road anxiety is much, much worse. Luckily I'm a homebody and I work within a five minute walk from my fianc?'s (who is amazingly understanding) office. However, lately I've been getting a lot of pressure to suck it up and learn to drive from everyone. I feel like I would be a huge safety risk to people on the road and could potentially kill someone by overreacting to any number of things that could happen driving. When I say this my parents/friends tell me I'm being ridiculous and don't know how I can function without a license. For the record, we don't live in a big city with easy access to public transportation, but this doesn't cause me any discomfort in my life so I don't see what the big deal is. What can I tell people to get them off my case?

A: I'm afraid I'm going to join the crowd that's on your case. I didn't get my license until I was 19 years old because the terrifying movies in driver's ed of what can happen to young people behind the wheel worked so well that I was traumatized to the point that I never wanted to get behind the wheel. Eventually having to be driven everywhere and realizing how circumscribed my life would be if I didn't learn forced me to try again. Yes, it was scary, but being older and realizing how much I was causing my fears helped. There are people with medical conditions who cannot drive and have full and adventuresome lives. But if you are lucky enough to have the capacity, you shouldn't let a long-ago worry keep you in your little circuit. You say that you're lucky to be a homebody. But you may just be rationalizing the fact that you've let your worries keep you at home. After all, those kids you were supposed to take to karate will soon be getting their own licenses. Pick up the book Learning To Drive by Katha Pollitt, and read her wonderful essay on becoming a new driver in middle age. You need to call some local driver's ed companies, explain your predicament, and say you want the kindest, most patient instructor. Once you get the hang of it, you won't believe how long you let your fears rule you. I still don't like to drive, but am grateful I finally forced myself.

Q. Hygiene: While spending the afternoon with my boyfriend's roommate, he and I started sharing little gripes about our partners. While we were doing this, he mentioned how my boyfriend picks at his skin ... and then eats the findings! I was shocked at this and thought that he was just putting me on, but the roommate has known him far longer than I have, so I decided to pay more attention to my boyfriend?s habits when we're alone. Sure enough, he is right! I have seen my boyfriend pick at his back, neck, arm and other extremities ... and then hurriedly bring his hands straight to his mouth. I can't believe I've never noticed this before, but now it's something that I can't un-see. I don't want to kiss him anymore and just looking at him grosses me out. How do I mention this delicate situation to him without causing him extreme embarrassment?

A: This is some sort of compulsion and as embarrassing as it is, he needs to see if he can get control of it. If now that you know this about him you are so repelled that you can't even let him kiss you, then your relationship sounds pretty doomed, so either way, there's no reason to stay silent out of a desire to spare him this embarrassment. Say that you've just become aware of this habit of his, it must cause him a lot of distress, and you urge him to find a counselor who can help him try to conquer it. Do keep in mind that he's the same person he was when you were happy with him, and that it might be a relief for him to be able to be honest with you about this struggle.

Q. Should I Return Baby Shower Gifts After Stillbirth?: Our son was stillborn at 37 weeks a few months ago. I've mostly kept to myself since then, but sooner or later I have to address what to do with his nursery. I'm sure the news has traveled by word-of-mouth to everyone who attended my baby shower by now. What do I do? Do I return the gifts to those who gave them to me? My sister-in-law has asked for the gift she gave me back, as she is due in a few months. I don't know what to do.

A: I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry you have such a crude, thoughtless person for a sister-in-law. Give her back her gift without a word. Depending on how she's related to you, the person closest to her might want to explain to her just how much her thoughtlessness has damaged your relationship. She sounds like the kind of person who will not understand that while you will celebrate the birth of her child, you will still be torn up with your own grief and need sensitivity and understanding. You do not have to return the gifts. Either you can put them away for now, or if you can't stand keep these reminders, you can donate them to a shelter. Anyone else crude enough to ask about their gift (please tell me there's only one in your circle) should be told you just can't talk about baby presents now. Please consider contacting Share (nationalshare.org) a support group for people who've been through losses such as yours.

Q. Re: For roadway basket case: I didn't get my driver's license until I was 21. I was turned off as a teenager by how nervous my mom would get when I was driving and that she would shout at me which was terrifying. Eventually I got my permit and would take the car out by myself early in the morning (when the roads were empty) to practice. I gained a lot of confidence that way, and got my license with no problem. I'm not sure if you are allowed to drive by yourself with a permit, but at 25 it's not like a cop is going to pull you over unless you already did something wrong. I don't like to drive either but it's irresponsible not to learn, especially if you are thinking of having children with your fianc?.

A: Lots of scaredy-cat drivers have written in with their own stories of overcoming this fear. A few have suggested some kind of cognitive therapy in conjunction with an understanding driving instructor.

Q. Happy Screaming: My husband and I have a wonderful and precocious 5-year-old girl. On Friday night we went out and left her with a baby sitter, and got back around midnight once she was already sleeping. Feeling in the mood, we locked our door and went at it. In the middle of our passion, we heard pounding and crying at the door, and when we opened it found a terrified little girl who couldn't understand why mommy was screaming like she was being attacked. We reassured her that everything was fine and put her back in bed, but all weekend she's been acting worried and keeps asking if Mommy's OK. Last night she couldn't sleep because she's convinced herself that there's a monster in the house. You can't explain the screams of ecstasy to a 5-year-old, so what should we say to reassure her and convince her that there's nothing to worry about? So happy we locked that door.

A: You don't have to explain screams of ecstasy, you can just explain to her that it may be hard to believe, but sometimes moms and dads like to act loud and silly together, or tickle each other. Say that what she heard the other night sounded scary, but that you and dad were playing around?tell her to think of how she shrieks when Dad chases her or you all play hide and seek. You can say it's really thoughtful that she was worried and thought she should help you, but you want her to know there's nothing to worry about and everything between you and dad is great. When she gets older, one day she will realize just what kind of "tickle game" she interrupted.

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